The Choo: Latrine Etiquette & the African Weight Loss Diet (July 30, 2006)

This summer we've had a visitor, an intern/grad student from the US who's volunteering at a local non-profit run by one of the researchers affiliated with the NGO. Despite the fact that this woman voluntarily came to semi-rural Africa, the concept of a latrine seems challenging. So I've decided to outline all the many things that come with using a pit latrine.

Specifications:
To clarify, our latrine is actually quite nice (as far as shit holes go - ours is a literal shit hole, so this is not a remark on the quality of its construction). It has a raised cement floor (to avoid flooding), cement walls, a tin roof, two pits, a shelf on each side of the pit (a shelf is a graded area to help things slip back into the hole that may have missed the first time), and in the "ladies" pit there are blocks on the sides. I've been told that if the wind blows correctly, the scent of the latrine actually travels downwind instead of lingering in its quadrant of the yard.

Now it's true, there are cockroaches in the pit (and at night if you wear a light they might scatter back into the hole), but what can you do? These suckers have survived the Earth for hundreds of thousands of years. You just can't fight evolution. I like to refer to them as "my friends." Thus updates are not so icky that they gross out the listener. To wit: "my friends were really chatty tonight" when the squeaking is particularly loud, or "my friends were having a rough night" if they get lost on their way back down the pit. Honestly it could be worse. They could fly.

Blocks or Shields?
You might ask yourself, why are there blocks in the latrine? (imagine two cement bricks on the sides of the latrine hole). Most women here will agree that these blocks are used to help you balance as you squat - your feet are half on half off. For greater clarity, imagine facing towards the door with your feet pointing straight ahead. These same feet are 1/2way off - not laterally but forwards a bit so your heels are higher than your toes. Not only does it relieve some of the strain on your knees/thighs, but it also allows for greater accuracy, which brings me to the next point.

Accuracy & Aim
Now the visitor, in addition to complaining of the smell of the latrine everytime she uses it, has decided that blocks are not for balancing. Apparently they're a "shield" for splatter. You can only imagine our horror when we heard this. I mean, people actually stand on those blocks (granted, in shoes). No one expects urine to coat the floor of the latrine; that's why there's a hole. She's not the only person with accuracy problems, though. We have a mystery shelf pooper.

A shelf pooper? The shelf pooper is the worst kind of latrine user. This person lets go but MISSES the hole. Instead their business hangs out on the shelf, going nowhere. Proposed solutions have included building a slip and slide and greasing it up with Kimbo (oil) to avoid these situations. But really, how hard is it to miss? There's a delay. You go, you listen, and if you don't hear a pause before you hear a "thunk" you should readjust your position, my friend.

Etiquette & Things to Remember
So there are just a few things you have to do to avoid being the asshole when you're using a latrine:

1. Hold your breath and try breathing through your mouth. Don't complain -- no one cares.

2. Always leave 1 roll of toilet paper in some accessible place for the next person. If you're having a rough week, invest in your own TP stash or replenish often. Nothing sucks more than reaching the pit, letting go, and realizing there is no TP.

3. Use the blocks as blocks. They're not your shield.

4. If you miss, get a stick and rectify the situation. No pun intended.


Now to transition to the subject of diet, one of my personal favorite topics. When I first left for Busia, I honestly believed that increased walking paired with limited diet would result in inevitable weight loss. I mean, I've seen pictures of other people, so it had to be true, right? WRONG. Apparently western Kenya is the exception to the weight loss rule. So instead of losing weight, I've gained weight. Then I had a nasty run-in with a meal about 3 days into being here (very normal, surprising it didn't happen sooner). In fact, there IS a secret to weight loss in Africa. What no one tells you is that this secret is diarrhea. Taking a non-random sample of my colleagues I learned that pretty much everyone is sick about once a month with some kind of stomach bug. So apparently we have systemic flushings. This makes the lessons in latrine etiquette even more pressing. No one will like you if you're sick AND messy.