Race at Work (August 15, 2006)

Increasingly I find it difficult to negotiate conversations regarding my racial identity. At work, I have become a bit of a standing joke. I am frequently lumped in as one of the many white people (wazungu) at the office. Even small children chant "whitey" when they see me. It's strange and also frustrating to be seen as white; in some ways I feel that it ignores a specific experience that is interlinked with my "racial"/ethnic identity, but also I feel like it whitewashes all people of color who are Americans as well. In the past few weeks, the following comments have been made:

"I have a question... are you white, or are you mixed?"
"This woman is Red Indian!" [i.e. Native American/American Indian]
"I am telling you, she is mixed - either her mother or father is Indian, and the other is mzungu [white]."
"I have wanted to ask you for many months. Is your father Indian?"
"Surely you are white!"
"You cannot be Indian; the Indians do not speak to Blacks."

It has been incredibly difficult to explain the concept of being Asian-American. For example, I'm often asked if I'm more white or Indian. Do I watch Bollywood films? Do I speak "Indian"? Am I Hindu? The answer to many of these questions are considered unsatisfactory. Sometimes I watch Bollywood films, there is no such thing as "Indian" -- I speak limited Punjabi, and I am not a Hindu. Often I try to use Kenya as an example of the diversity found in India -- there are hundreds of tribes/groups with individual traditions, cultures, and languages. That said, it is not impossible for them to live together or understand one another.

But this discussion is further complicated by the fact that I don't identify as an Indian, or even as someone of Indian heritage. There are many identities I do embrace, but these are not the answers that people want to hear. How do you explain to someone that your family comes from a country that was split during British Partition, or that you have a different perspective/identity as a member of a diasporic community, or that, in many ways, you are just another American 20-something, but that there are definite differences in your experiences because of your perceived or assigned race?

However, shockingly I become "unwhite" when it comes to people venting their anger. For example, I have been told several times that the South Asian community in Kisumu (the closest sizeable population) hates black Africans, refuses to socialize with them, and that they do not share with others. The last point comes up often. Because we live in a primarily cash-economy, it is not unusual for expats in our office to be asked to give people money, with the underlying assumption that we are a) paid American salaries [we're not], and b) that because we are Americans we are rich [a logical assumption]. Several times I have turned people down -- no moreso than my coworkers --, but I also do tend to share when I know someone is hard up, or that their family member is ill, or if I generally believe in the cause. Recently the staff has begun to comment that Christians are generous and that Christians share; implying that I, as a heathen (and as the only declared non-Christian expat), am neither generous nor sharing. The irony of this statement is not lost on me.

Things are even more mixed up within the expat community here. The other Americans (who should be called Wamerikani, to be accurate) often refer to me as Mhindi (Indian). This is of course not an identity I would take on by myself, nor is it one I have ever tacitly encouraged or accepted. To take it further, it is mind-numbingly weird to be one of the only U.S. people of color abroad, and further, to be one of the only people of color who identifies as such. Of the 18 research assistants who have been in Busia at any given time, only 4 have been non-white. Of those 4, three were Asian-American (self included), and 1 was a native Kenyan who attended college in the U.S. These demographic stats don't seem to be unusual across international (i.e. non-local) NGOs. Underlying dynamics have also played out in our relationships in strange ways as I find myself noticing things that do not phase or bother the others.

There are a number of interactions and things said that many would call racist in a different context. Not since high school have I heard the term "those people" or "these people" used so often and so disparagingly. But for some reason, being abroad seems to exempt us from accepting the responsibility of being vigilant about our own assumptions. Comments that would never pass in the U.S. are surprisingly common and accepted. There isn't much protest between one another on what someone says. Because we all live together, there is a hesitation to call someone on their shit. And despite the overall "liberal" leaning of the group, there is a tacit acceptance that we are abroad and that the rules are different.

Altogether I find it exhausting. This is one of the things I miss the most about the Bay Area; having a group of friends with whom I could have conversations about the nuances of inequality, consciousness, and social justice. This is not to imply that my coworkers are not capable of these conversations, but rather, that we have not reached a place where we can comfortably discuss. And maybe this is a discipline-based issue as well.